I don't deserve happiness

” Delight yourself in the LORD, and he will give you the desires of your heart.” - Psalms 37:4

Sometimes God places us in a position where all we can do is trust in Him. We make plans but like a sand castle by the sea, are plans can be swept away. When I was a little kid I never felt worthy of any toy. I will sometimes put it in my closet and wait for my cousin or one of my friends to come so I can give it to them. I will cry because I really wanted that toy but felt that I didn’t deserve it as people have it worse than me, I’m a sinner, and I must be prepared to give up any enjoyment of life for Christ. With that false mentality and thyroid issues, it should be no surprise that I was diagnosed with a depression disorder (MDD to be precise) at a young age. I don't know how I came up with that mentality that I didn’t deserve happiness at a young age but no matter how much my mother will say otherwise I would always end up back to that mentality. It wasn’t until I read this” Delight yourself in the LORD, and he will give you the desires of your heart.” - Psalms 37:4 And it hit me. See God never promised that life will be easy, in fact, He said the opposite. Yet He never said we won’t find happiness. And I can see why because the more I believed I didn’t deserve happiness the more I seemed to refuse God’s blessings, His love, and who He was as a whole because He made me happy. I self-sabotage myself because I never delighted in Him. But as the verse reads if we don’t delight in Him then how can we get the desires of our hearts? See my desire was to be happy but I couldn’t because I didn’t delight in Him. The verse is saying we will get everything we ever wanted if we delight in Him no. But if the reason we want money is so we don’t have to worry and have peace, the reason we want nice things is to be happy, and the reason we want a relationship is so we can have love, then isn’t that the true desire of our heart? The peace, happiness, and love? And if that’s our true desire, then wouldn’t that be the byproduct of what we get if we just delight in the Lord?